Stucked:
...On Cebu...
Yes, I miss Cebu. No, scratch that... I miss the person that I was in Cebu.
I can smoke up a storm in Cebu. I can drink 7 beers, stay up all night and dance to my heart's desire in Cebu. I can have decent conversations over coffee, from the insanely ridiculous topics to the more thought-provoking issues of life. I'm only responsible for myself, and I can come and go as I please.
Sa Cebu, wala akong Darice and Dar. Did I miss them? Honestly... and shamefully... not really. Masama ba akong girlfriend, o kaya nanay? Or maybe the circumstances surrounding my departure for Cebu were screaming, "Take a freaking break!" and I did just that? I think I did deserve that break from being a pseudo-wife and mother. Especially since my pseudo-husband was just plain heartless before I left. And my mother just told me that I'm totally worthless. Who wouldn't need a break after that?
And now, I think I had too much of a "break". I feel totally frustrated. It's like I went into an alternate time-line and just want to stay there. I feel so tied down: by Dar, by Darice (sorry...), by job-hunting, by this house, by my parents. Everything is dumped on me. Cebu made me feel how it is to be (a bit) free: a normal 23-year-old girl out for fun at night, drinking coffee and dancing up a storm. Going back home made me feel old and depressed and disheartened.
...On Dar's Words...
Dar: Gusto mo lagi kang nasusunod.
I should've said: Kelan ba nasunod ang gusto ko? Gusto ko ba na mag-Ragnarok ka nung 5th year anniversary natin? Kaninong gusto yung nasunod non? Pag-nag-go-grocery ba tayo, do I even put anything in our cart that I want? Yung suweldo ko, gusto ko sanang ipang-shopping, nagawa ko ba yon? Gusto kong mabayaran yung tuition ni Darice, nasunod ba yon? Eh yung gusto ko na makatapos ka kaagad, nangyari rin ba yon? Paano mo naman nasabi na lahat ng gusto ko nasusunod eh wala ngang nangyayari na gusto ko eh.
Pero ang sinabi ko: Ikaw naman ang palaging nasusunod eh. [yun lang sinabi ko.]
Dar: Hindi ka naman nagyoyosi dito sa bahay ah. So hindi ka addicted talaga. Nagyoyosi ka lang pag kasama mo sila. Para maki-uso sa kanila
I should've said: Bakit kaya nauubos ang kape dito sa bahay? My coffee addiction is to replace my nicotine addiction. Mas nerve-wracking nga dito sa bahay niyo eh, mas ginugusto kong mag-yosi. Ilang beses ko nang naisip na pumislit ng yosi diyan sa balcony natin, o kaya sumaglit sa CVC para lang makapag-yosi. And please, tigilan na natin yang nakiki-uso lang ako ha. Please lang. I am not that shallow! Kelan ba naman ako naki-uso?!? That is the worst thing you can say to make me stop smoking.
Pero ang sinabi ko: Hinde naman dahil sa kanila kaya ako nagyoyosi eh. [yun lang din sinabi ko.]
Dar: Sabi mo, ganon ka na talaga nung nakilala kita. Sinasabi ko ba sayo na babaero na talaga ako nung nagkakilala tayo [para makapam-babae ako?]
I should've said: Kahit sinong kausapin mong tao, yang argument na yan ang pinakabobo sa lahat.
Pero ang sinabi ko: Magkaiba naman yun eh.
Dar: Ayoko ng babaeng nagyoyosi
I should've said: Ayoko ng lalaking: babaero, iresponsable, walang priorities, nagspi-spit in public, walang inatupag kundi laro, immature, pala-sisi, hindi seryoso, bastos, nananakit, selfish, foul-mouthed, hindi makausap ng matino.
Pero ang sinabi ko: Bakit si Celine nagyoyosi rin naman siya ah.
Dar: Di ko siya nakitang nagyosi. Magyoyosi rin lang yon dahil sa mga kaibigan niya. Parang ikaw.
I should've said: Pakshet you. You still fucked her.
Pero ang sinabi ko: Sorry na baby.
...On Cigarettes...
There's not much to say except that I'm addicted. And I'm not convinced that I should quit.
So what if Dar doesn't like girls to smoke? There are a lot of things about him that I don't like, and that I definitely want him to quit doing, yet does he even care about what I have to say?
So what if I get sick? I haven't gotten sick yet because of my cigarettes. Siguro pag nagkasakit nako, baka maconvince pa ako.
So what if I die young? Everybody dies eventually. And at least I won't become an irritating and annoying old person.
So what kung walang sense lahat ng reasons ko?
I will quit.
Not just now. I just can't.
Kelangan ko pa yosi ko.
Pag nakahanap nako ng something or someone who gives me all the benefits of smoking (without the nasty stuff) then maybe I'll be able to quit.
...On Being A Bum, A Sex Slave and a Yaya...
I am so freaking bored. I am going out of my mind and I am absolutely doing NOTHING. I would've loved it better if I'm swamped with school work but NOOOO... I'm stuck doing NOTHING.
Well, not really NOTHING.
Natuto na akong maglaba, with a washing machine of course. Actually right now, I'm waiting for the rinse cycle to finish. I have to go back and check in 5 minutes for the drain and spin cycles. And I have another batch waiting.
And who gets to iron all those freshly washed clothes? Moi of course. Sa totoo lang, mas gusto kong mamalantsa kesa sa maglaba. OC ako sa mga kusot eh, and sa mga liston sa pantalon ^_^ Ayoko talaga sa basa.
Siyempre, sino pang naiiwan dito sa bahay para kay Darice... Ako rin diba? Kelangan ko talagang tutukan si Darice kasi may exams na nga, kelangan pang painumin ng sangkatutak na gamot. Buti nga ngayon nabawasan na ng antibiotic and nebulization eh. *sigh*
And pag-uwi ng pseudo-husband, ano gagawin ko? Depende. Kung nakaharap na sa computer, taga-kuha ng toothpick, pagkain, tubig, baso, etc. May kasama namang lambing eh (blech). Pag nakatulog na ako, mangangalabit. (Pero kung ako nangalabit niyan, and tulog siya, good luck na lang kung maalala pa niya na hinubaran ko siya hehehe ^_^)
Yun lang naman ang buhay ko ngayon.
I squeeze enough time to watch TV (CSI on Mondays and Wednesdays, LookForLess on I-don't-know-what days, and a few HBO, Cinemax, and StarMovies movies). I usually write stuff down for my blog (right now). Oh, and my newest addiction: ripping up shirts to be reconstructed into new ones. Argh, sana I can upload pix for peeps to see. Anyways, and I'm rereading books I (tried to) read before.
Ganyan lang naman ka-boring ang buhay ko ngayon. *yawn*
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