psst... yosi tayo

Kanta muna tayo...

More To Life

I've got it all but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down, and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm
tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm halfway out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

There's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm
tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
than wanting more

Quarter-Life Crisis

Tama nga ba? If 24 years is already a quarter of my life, then I'll live to a ripe old age of 24x4 = 96. Nyeh, antanda ko naman na non.

Well, anyways, birthday ko sa Saturday. (Wala lang diba, nonchalant lang hehehe)

January is usually the month you go on soul-searching kasi you have to make New Year's resolutions, and try to make plans for the year, right? And usually, a few days before your birthday, you tend to think about how old you are, your triumphs and disappointments (ang drama). Yun bang, iniisip mo na tumatanda ka na, may nangyayari bang may katuturan sa buhay mo, asking yourself if you're following a "path" (puedeng your own path, or somebody else laid it down for you), or are you just floating around, parang sa MRT pag umaga and natutulak ka na lang paloob ng train. (Hindi kayo nag-iisip ng ganito?!?! Bakit?)

Masyado yata akong napa-isip -- I've been a floating shipwreck since the year began.

Exag na naman ako noh, feel niyo ba?

Maraming factors itong lowest-of-the-low feeling ko eh.

First, Friendster. Hinde, hinde naman ako nabawasan ng friendsters. Kasalanan ko rin eh, naghahanap ako ng mga bagay na alam kong may posibilidad na ikakasakit ng damdamin ko (kaya nyo yon??!). Anyways, pumunta ako sa friendster ni Celine, and lo and behold, updated ang lola mo. Tinignan ko muna friends niya... whew, wala si Dar. Yung pic na nandon sa account niya, yung baby pic ng daughter niya. Hmm, malaki-laki na. Inisip ko muna kung mga ilang taon na yon (siguro around 1). Si tinignan ko yung mga ibang chuvanes like music, tv, interests etc, para ma-feel ko na tao rin siya, hindi lang isang babaeng aso (er, paki-english) who tried to get my man. Wala, di ko pa rin na-feel. Meron dun sa interests niya nakalagay -- "Interests: something-something-blah-blah, anything to do with Dave, sabi ng kapatid ko" Hmmm... Dave... sino naman itong guy na ito? And "married" po ang relationship status niya. So dun ako sa testimonials. Meron lang siyang dalawang testimonials ata, and galing sa sisters niya. From her older sister na ka-batch ko -- "something-something-blah-blah, a LOYAL wife, something-something-blah-blah..." Okay, hindi ako ang nagcapitalize ng "loyal" ha, mismo yung sister niya yon. Ano yon?!? Sarcastic ba siya? Trying to emphasize something that isn't true?!? Natawa na lang ako... ba't kelangang i-capitalize?!?!

Second, The Buzz... specifically Christopher Rojas' and Gladys Reyes' wedding coverage. Pakshet, ba't ang ganda-ganda ng wedding nila? And, sa totoo lang, hindi lang siya wedding celebration, I could feel na it was truly the sacrament of marriage (o, kaya niyo uli yon?).

Third, yung first fitting for Ate Ella's wedding naman. Periwinkle my ass ang motif... sana tinawag niyo na lang light purple noh! Neways, the dress looked fine naman on me (I think), and tube ang mode niya, so my breasts lang naman ay medyo hindi makahinga. Yun lang po.

Fourth, my Tita J and Tito M are separating because of Tito M's alleged affair. They have two cute daughters, my cousins Micah and Toni. Tita J still looks rockin for a 30+ year old mother of two, and Tito M is really guapo naman talaga (he reminds me of REH). I thought they would live happily ever after, pero well, I thought wrong pala. Kinuwento nga ni Tito Jessie na hindi na nga pinapatulog ni Tita J sa bahay si Tito M eh compound yon ng family ni Tito M eh hehehe. Ayaw na ni Tita J na sustentuhan ni Tito M sina Micah and Toni. The weird thing is, ganito sabi sakin ni Mommy nung nalaman niyang Dar had an affair, na to cut-off all relations with him, pero nung nalaman niya na ganon yung gusto ni Tita J eh sabi niya, karapatan ng mga bata na magkaroon ng communication with their dad. Labo talaga ng nanay ko.

So ano nga ba ang nakakadepress sa apat na yan?

Eto muna: Ba't nauna pa silang lahat sakin?!?!

Yon, yun lang yon basically eh. What is so mind-blogging-different about Celine that the guy who knocked her up married her? She's a certified goddamn slut, tas siya pa yung pinakasalan?!? Okay fine, si Gladys wala namang ginawa saking masama yan eh, pero what is so freaking lovable about her, that Christopher went to the States to work his butt off so that they could get married? And si Ate Ella... please, ilang araw lang silang nagsama dito ng Canadian guy niya, nagpakasal ng civil, tas bumalik na yung C-guy sa Canada, tapos sa March magpapakasal na sa church. They haven't been together half as long as Dar and I have been together, tas sila pa'tong ikakasal.

Ano ba, what's wrong with me ba? Ba't kayang-kayang i-put-off yung kasal? Ba't di ba ako puedeng maging Dela Cruz? Ba't hindi niya iniisip na "pakakasalan ko na si Shelley kaya kelangan galingan ko na sa school di nako mag-go-goof-off"? Hindi kasi niya na-i-isip na ganon eh. Ganon pa rin siya, walang motivation to do better for me, or for Darice. Wala pa ring effort, pakshet.

And so, on that note: Wala na talagang matinong lalaki sa mundong ito.

As much as I want to get married to Dar, there is a huge fear in me na magkakahiwalay lang kami because of an extramarital affair. Hindi ko na talaga kakayanin yon as in. Your husband, vowing in front of God to love you for the rest of your life, cheating on you, is far far far worst than your boyfriend cheating on you. Eh si Dar pa, hindi na ata naniniwala yan kay God eh, ayaw man lang ipag-pray yung job interview ko. Pag nagpromise ba siya in front of God to be loyal and faithful to his wife, seseryosohin kaya niya yon?

Ang labo ko noh? Gusto ko ng magpakasal, pero ayoko pa rin. I want a wedding, but I'm scared of marriage.

Hindi lang po yan ang pinagmumuni-munihan ko. Shift gears muna tayo.

Napanood niyo na ba yung "Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood"? So kung hindi pa... panoorin niyo na sa HBO. Fine, kuwento ko na nga. Vivi's the mom, and Sidda's the daughter. There was a Time article that hinted na Vivi wasn't a good mother, and so, lalong lumabo yung mother-daughter relationship ni Vivi and Sidda. So its up to the Ya-ya Sisterhood (best buds ni Vivi) na pagbatiin si Vivi and Sidda. So mostly flashbacks depicting Vivi's past loves, sacrifices and mistakes habang kinukuwento ng Ya-ya's kay Sidda buhay ni Vivi. Ganda, chick flick talaga ang mode, and buti na lang hindi ako sa sinehan nanood. Okay na rin na sa HBO na lang.

Feel ko si Vivi eh. There was a flashback na nagkasakit yung lahat ng anak niya, tas wala pa yung asawa niya. So parang super-haggard talaga siya. The next morning, umalis siya ng bahay, iniwan na lang sa katulong yung mga anak niya. Kasi she's had it up to THERE lang talaga. Bumalik ata siya sa bahay after 2 days, tas si Sidda (siya kasi panganay) yung tumayong nanay sa mga kapatid niya.

The need to get away from it all, and the terrible guilt for trying to leave. Yun ang mode namin ni Vivi. Pero ako "warm" pa lang ako, siya "hell-hot" na sa ganon. Isa pa lang anak ko eh. Pagpasok ni Darice sa school is my "getting away from it all" na eh, ayos na ko don, pagbalik niya, ok nako uli eh. Pero si Vivi, ilan na yung anak niya non diba?

Kaya napag-isip-isip ko, I'll try to, no, I will recharge every once in a while. You do not become a mother just because you gave up being a person with guilty pleasures and needs and wants and hobbies. Magiging mahirap rin yon paglaki ni Darice, because dun lalabas na yung resentment na "I gave up everything for you, ma-guilty ka" and ayokong maging ganon. Lagi ko ngang sinasabi sa sarili ko na, I am not just a mother, that is just one piece of the Shelley puzzle. Pero not to the point na-i-compromise ko naman yung pagiging nanay ko... Balanced lang diba?

Shift gears uli.

I told myself na pag by the end of January, wala pa akong trabaho, kakarerin ko na ang call center. Ganon na ako ka-depressed, na kaya kong i-fathom na magtrabaho during graveyard shift, answering calls from rude costumers.

Nagpunta na nga kasi ako sa Eng'g Job Fair. Got tons of application forms, and got a fraction of calls for interviews and exams. Lahat ng puedeng lagyan ng resumes, nilagyan ko, lahat ng kelangan ng application forms, sinayn-up-an ko. Ang tumawag pa lang sakin: dBSoft - nagpaschedule ng exam. Yung sa Soluziona, Accenture and P&G kasi sa Job Fair ka na magpapa-schedule for the exams. I passed dBSoft's and Soluziona's exams. I still have to fax my TCG to Accenture so that they'll process my forms. Sa P&G hindi ko pa napupuntahan sa Capes. Pati pala dapat sa Canon and HP ma-fax-an ko na ng TCG ko. Baka nga lalo nila ako hindi tanggapin pag nakita nila TCG ko. *sigh*

What got me so depressed was this: "Ang tanda mo na, wala ka pang trabaho, diba mag-tu-twenty-four ka na?" Guess niyo na lang kung kanino galing yang very encouraging remark na yan.

*sigh* Sa nanay ko.

Eh kasi siya, bente pa lang siya, grumaduate na siya, tas nakakuha kaagad ng trabaho. Bente-tres siya nagpakasal. Bente-quatro siya she was trying to have a child na.

Eh ako, floating shipwreck pa rin. I'm turning 24 and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

I want to be Dar's wife, and I don't want to be his wife. I want to be free, but I'm wracked with guilt and love for Darice when I don't perform my motherly duties and responsibilites. I want to get a job, but I'm too insecure by my grades and by the fact that I stayed an extra one and a half years to finish my course.

I feel so unsatisfied by my life. Pero andami namang rason not to be unsatisfied and be happy. Meron naman akong katabing matulog sa gabi. I have a daughter who adores me. I get calls for job interviews naman (Hindi naman ako ganon ka-bano pala). Hindi naman kami nakatira sa kalye.

Why is it not enough for me? What do I want? Why do I want more? Is it reasonable to want more? Am I so selfish and self-centered?

*sigh* I hope by next year, and by the time I turn 25, may mga sagot na ako.