Final Words

This is going to be rambling and messy even though I've been trying for some days now to really organize my thoughts on the issue at hand.

I even went to a coffee shop to get the juices flowing, but I spent an hour just smoking, eating potato wedges, smoking, drinking coffee, smoking, staring at the screen, and smoking some more.

So bear with me as I try to make sense of what I knew and what I did. And also understand what I believe and what I am hoping for.

---

It is a small world after all. Most of the information that I got regarding D and T came from unexpected sources.

And the sources say the same thing:

There's a relationship between D and T.

Friends of D know for a fact that they have a relationship.

The relationship is still on-going.

I could say to myself, tsismis lang yan. There are two kinds of tsismis naman eh. For example, in our office, there were rampant rumors regarding girl A and boy A. And they turned out to be true, eventually. But there were rumors also about girl B and boy B -- but they were totally false. Haka-haka lang ng mga tao kasi, like girl A and boy A, laging magkasama. Same basis of rumors, but totally different truths about the two couples.

But of course we have T calling my husband "honey".

And we have her Friendster shoutout.

And of course we have her text messages:

When asked if how old she is and if she has a boyfriend:

matanda na din yung 21 n0h.. iv been 2 a relationship recently lng..
msydo k0 sinery0so eh :-(

When asked what happened to the relationship:

s0ri but i d0nt want 2 elaborate, even my cl0se friends di ko cnasabhan..
i kn0w naman kc kung an0ng ssbihin nila..
lets just say i l0ved d guy so much!
and kung san sya happy i'l b m0re happy 4 him even if its hurting me!

After being told "One piece of advice: don't be a homewrecker":

thank you f0r d advice!
its easy 4 u 2 say dat bc0z ur n0t into d situation..
i've learned fr0m my mistake..
but it's n0t easy :-(

I l0ved him so much kc eh :-(

With these, I could also say, maybe the guy isn't D (even though there is a strong possibility that the guy is married because of her reply to the "homewrecker" comment). Or maybe T developed strong feelings for D, and siya ang naghahabol, hence calling D honey and commenting on his bald head.

But I also know for a fact that D hid her number from me. And has been calling her number for a few months already -- so frequently in fact na mas maraming beses pa na nakalista ang number ni T kesa sa number ko. And when I asked him who he has been calling so frequently, he outright lied to my face and told me that it was a guy officemate. [I was like, you talked to him for 23 minutes?!? And calling him that frequently? Kayo ba?]

And of course D has cheated on me before, and has flirted heavily with two of his officemates. One even wanted to be MU with him. [Hanube, so high school.]

---

So, tsismis lang ba talaga? Si T ba ang naghahabol?

Or is D the root cause of all of these?

---

When confronted (numerous times, over email, conversations, text messages), D has maintained that:

There is no relationship.

There was never a relationship.

He admits to spending a lot of time with T. But usually with other people also.

He doesn't care that people are talking about him and T as having a relationship.

He doesn't know the guy T was talking about. All he knows is that it isn't him. And he doesn't think T was running after him, too.

He doesn't initiate conversations with T anymore after I asked him to stop communicating with her.

I shouldn't be jealous.

---

But remember, D did hide his "friendship" with T because he thought I get jealous of his girl friends "na may itsura". [I don't get it]

And he said he knew na may gusto sa kanya si T. [Hence, the "may itsura" comment I guess, because once you know that a simple-looking person finds you attractive, that simple-looking person deserves a second look]

He also said that they both knew that they "liked" each other. But that it was never spoken out loud, and that it was never talked about.

And he also implied that T's attention felt good. And the attention given by his friends because of T's attention also felt good. [I know my husband -- he loves it when he's being talked about, especially when it concerns girls]

---

How can you make sense of all of these information from different sources -- even my own experiences!? With more information I get, the more questions and assumptions I make!

How can T know that D also liked her? D must have done something for her to make her feel na may gusto rin siya sa kanya. That's why she also thought it could be something serious between the two of them [remember, she said she came from a relationship na masyado niya sineryoso].

Maybe he's saying there was no relationship because they never labeled it as such. Maybe there was no formality involved -- they just knew diba? Parang sila, pero hindi. And diba a "relationship" explains everything? Everybody, even the girl herself, thought that they were in a relationship!

Okay, so if there really was no relationship, maybe she was just obsessed with D. But why does he insist that she is not running after her? Why the honey text? There were more incidents: texting him that she won't be able to go to work, texting him using another number when D wasn't able to go to work, then another text with the comment "cute ka pag kalbo ka".

And why was he letting people think that he's cheating on me? He said "wala naman akong pakialam sa kanila eh". But he's letting them assume because he had a reputation to protect -- not as a good husband, but as a ladies' man! Also, it felt good na pinaguusapan siya at na meron pang mga babae na nagkakagusto sa kanya.

I really can't see myself as being overparanoid or overanalyzing the situation, because I have facts and there is his history of being a skirt-chaser. Even without the information that people in their office know for a fact that they are in a relationship, even without T's text messages and Friendster shoutouts, based on D's actions for the past few months, D and T were already too close for comfort. It is a situation that, to put it mildly, I am not so comfortable with.

And with all my assumptions and questions, what is the bottomline? What is the end-all be-all logical conclusion?



The "least" that could've happened was inappropriate flirting. [Harmless flirting will not have people speculating declaring that D and T have a relationship, even with D's reputation]

The worst that could've happened was a relationship.

Whatever it was that happened and whatever it was that they had between them, the keywords here are that it happened and they had it between them.

Meron talaga eh.

---

Having that basic conclusion and belief that there is *something* between D and T (although I will never be sure to what extent), receiving the news that T always went to D's work station after her shift wouldn't really make much of a difference diba?

But it did.

I assumed that with the text brigade, and my own text messages to T, that she would avoid D already.

And I also assumed that with my constant emails and text messages and conversations with D, that he was already acting unapproachable around T. He already mentioned that when he passes by T in the office that he would just simply say hi and continue on his way.

It was a big slap on the face.

And so, I finally sent out a message TO BOTH OF THEM na iwasan na nila ang isa't isa.

I wrote to T that considering the circumstances, I hope she understands my reasons for not wanting her around my husband anymore.

I told both of them that they might not care that people think they are having a relationship [kahit meron or wala talaga], but they should care what I would think of that, as I am D's wife!

I wrote to D that being my husband, I expect him to take the initiative in avoiding her.

Both of them didn't respond to the email.

But a few days after that, T removed D from her Friendster account. And she posted this song in her blog.

D was NR as usual. I had to ask him pa if T was still going to his station after that email -- and he said hindi na.

---

In an other email, I asked D if he thought if the whole thing should've been okay with me. He has been saying na "wala lang yon" -- and since it meant nothing to him, maybe it should mean nothing to me too and I shouldn't have raised hell over it.

Should it be okay with me that he looks for ego boosts? Should it be okay that he's asking other girls out? Should I be okay with him calling some other girl and then hiding the number in some guy's name in his phone book? Should it be okay with me that his officemates thinks that they know for a fact that he's cheating on me?

His succinct reply: "NO to all. Sorry."

---

I've been writing this post for a week already. Maybe I was waiting for a final blow, or at least some kind of resolution to the whole thing, especially since I already addressed them both in my email.

Am I somewhat relieved that T has removed D from her Friendster, and has posted that song?

Yes, in a way, but she could have done that to throw me off her scent.

Am I pleased in some way, that D somewhat understands how I feel?

I guess yes, but I know he will soon forget about that.

Am I hoping that this is finally over?

Yes, I am.

Everyday, I am hopeful that I will not receive any more news about them. Everyday, I am hopeful that she will not text him, or that he will not reply. Everyday, I am hopeful that he will snub her, or make an effort not to pass by her in the office, or just completely ignore her. Everyday, I am hoping that people will finally stop declaring that they are an item. Everyday, I am hoping that I will get the attention he unwittingly gave her.

Everyday, I just hope that D really loves me as much as he says he does.

And yes, I do believe that D loves me.

But that love crumbles in the presence of flirty girls who make him feel he's still guapo, impressed friends who applaud his charming moves, and gossipy officemates who talk about him and his "chickboy" reputation.

Not much eh?

As I've said many years ago, D has the capacity not to love me, and has the incapacity to love me. And I know he will never love me as much as I love him.

And that's why with my high hopes, I have come to expect the worst.

But D is my husband. Naive and stupid and weak as it may seem, I am still in love with him and I do love him very much.

So I guess I can also say, I may expect the worst, but I'm still hoping for the best.