Finally

"Wala akong balak gawin"

I told you that tonight will not end without ending the situation at hand.

And with those words, there is no more situation.

There is just you.

And me.

Although, no more us, I guess.

I just wanted you to understand what I wanted from you.

I didn't want us to be an obligation. I wanted you to go beyond your obligations, your responsibilities.

And just want to be WITH us.

And being with us is not just being in the same house.

And being with us is also not just doing the same things together.

And being with us is also not spending time with your friends anymore.

It's wanting to be with us, because you choose us -- you choose us to be the first in your life.

And you really have to choose who will come first.

You really can't do EVERYTHING that you want to do, now that you're a husband and a father. Although you said you can still do everything even though you already have a wife and a daughter -- but at whose expense?

Isn't it at our expense?

Who gets hurt? Who gets taken for granted? Who gets lied to? Who is bothered that we're moving in two different worlds already? Who cares about spending time together, not just seeing each other?

Being a husband and a father is not just about obligations and responsibilities.

It's choosing us, because you want us. Not because you have to choose us.

And no, it's also not about accomplishing a list of things that you have to do written down for you. And then doing only those "feasible" for you.

We're not tasks. Loving us is not a to-do list.

It really has to come from you this time. I cannot teach you everything, I cannot make you just do the things I want you to do.

Wala ka ba talagang gustong gawin, or balak gawin, for our sake?

"Wala akong balak gawin"

Finally.

Eventhough it hurts like a bitch, I am strangely relieved.

Without any more hope or agenda.

Without any more expectations.

Finally.

---

P.S. I've missed you so so so much. And I'm going to miss you now more than ever.