Before, when D would do something hurtful to me, I held on to the fact that he married me. And I would pass off the lies and cheating as something he had to go through as a man. That eventually, he'd snap out of it, and go back to the person I (thought I) married. I believed (and wished?) with all my being that he loved me.
Even though I knew deep in my heart that the hurt he made me go through was inexplicable if he really loved me.
Now, knowing for a fact that he DIDN'T love me, everything fell into place. Every hurtful thing he did to me was inescapable proof of the fact that he didn't love me. And I could finally stop blaming myself for the way he treated me. It wasn't me -- wasn't me who was at fault, wasn't me he loved, wasn't me who can do anything about it. It was the biggest "Eureka!" moment of my life.
However, with that, every "I love you", every sweet gesture, each and every shared experience became meaningless.
The inexplicable actions became proof, while the "truth" I held onto became worthless.
Although it soothes my soul to know that I couldn't have done anything to make him love me, it breaks my heart that all the good memories I had with him (and we did have some of those) became lies.
I gained understanding, and with that, lost years of my life to nothing.
Going through the files :) Cant help it napique curiosity ko eh. Galing mo Shelley. And thats why my heart is never at peace ever since the husband worked in a call center a year ago. Issue din sa akin friends nya eh :) (Coming from me who worked din in the same environment 5 yrs ago)
ReplyDeletemagaling lang ako magdeflect... i wanted to keep him kasi =|
ReplyDeletei always thought na D being in a call center was like an alcoholic being in an open bar. hehe. pero i think if our foundation was true and intact, hindi issue yun dapat samin. although iba talaga ang call center culture diba? ikaw na mismo nanggaling don and you know how it works. [i joke around nga na ang first criteria ko sa lalaki -- hindi galing call center hahahaha!] pero iba si dar kay edil, iba rin siguro friends ni dar sa friends ni edil, and iba yung call center ni dar sa call center ni edil. and iba din kayo ni edil samin ni dar. i think you guys are the real deal ;)