Null and Void

I've been wanting to write about this for the looooongest time, but I've been a headless chicken pig for the past months. I'm carving time out to publish this within the week *crosses fingers* because I'm starting the process as well of changing my marital status in all of my records -- therefore going back to my maiden name wooohoo! :D

Yes, the declaration of nullity is now final!

(And yes, there's a diff between annulment of marriage and declaration of nullity of marriage. I'll leave you guys to Google that :P)

The process actually started in 2010, with the decision being handed down last year.

So, four years to finally and irrevocably end a marriage, which I think was doomed from the beginning, and which according to the court, was well, null and void from the start.

Of course, I didn't start off this way, with "this" meaning being able to look at my previous marriage for the way it is. I'm sure most of my long-time blog readers (are you still there, by the way? :P) know how "emotional" I was when the marriage started to unravel, even though there were a lot of signs already that it wasn't working out (I won't link posts, there are just too many :P).

BAD BLOOD

For a few years, to be honest, there was a part of me then that couldn't really fully let go of him.

At the start, we still tried to do things together with the Star, thinking the separation will be easier for her. I expected him to be more respectful of my feelings, as if he owes me that, and when I didn't get the "respect" I thought I deserved, it crushed me and I resented him even more. I was also suspicious of the changes I was seeing in him (during the times he would pick up the Star for the weekend), thinking that he was a wolf in sheep's clothing, all to impress his new girlfriend.

And then, there were all those discussions about our failed marriage for the annulment case. First, of course with the lawyer, and I had to do it twice as the first lawyer died (!!!) so repeat kwento for the second lawyer. Then with the psychologist -- two Saturdays of my life bawling my eyes out, basically laying out to her the history of the relationship, from the first time we met till our last month together. Months after, I read the psychologist's report and it was another round of painful emotions for me.

Oh, and the trips to the Hall of Justice! Now I know firsthand why court cases move so slowly, although I don't know if it was just in Family Court, or for all courts in the country -- every step for the case are scheduled months apart! Maygudnes. Anyhoo, I resented the ex for all those trips to the Hall of Justice, as it was "extra" gastos, and I had to use my leaves. Every time I went up to the Hall of Justice, my resentment of him grew more and more.

There were a lot of other things that made me resentful, and me so full of contempt. And I reveled in all those resentful feelings. It was like a drug -- I felt like I needed to fuel that contempt so I can finally get him out of my system, so that I wouldn't feel "love" for him anymore, so I can be cured of him. Ang talino ko noh? :P

EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED

But then, things were a-changing. It was during this time that I went on a different career track (same company) which had me going from a client office coordinating with the same-ol'-same-ol' people for the past couple of years, to the head office working with WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??? Basically, my social skills HAD to go up a notch (or several notches) for my new role, and I had to be ready and open for anything because the work was so... hmmm... dynamic to say the least ehehehe.

It was the change I needed. I had no previous training for my new role, and I was learning on-the-fly. With the sudden need to be open and sociable and available ALL THE TIME (LOLJK, most of the time lang :P), and with all the new experiences I had on the job, I had to let go of a LOT of insecurities -- Am I good enough? Should I be here? What if I'm doing everything wrong? What if they don't like me?. Letting them go means working harder and better, because I had to prove to myself I made the right choice (and that the company made the right choice too for choosing me for that role hehehehe).

Maybe, just maybe, letting go of those insecurities made me let go of my contempt and resentment of the ex. Maybe my contempt and resentment also stem from insecurities of not being good enough for the ex, for any man for that matter, which are the same kind of insecurities I had about my new role. And, letting go of those insecurities meant I had to let go of those negative feelings for the ex as well. Well, I don't know, I'm just psycho-babbling here :P

It was also during this time that I spent a lovely weekend with a friend, and somehow even though it ended on a messy and unpleasant note, I was reminded that love CAN be light, wonderful, cheesy, kilig, and just generally feel so good. Love should feel that way, diba? :)

And with that, plus a weird convo with the ex, made me finally realize that...

WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER

So by the time I was grilled by the prosecutor (? piskal ?) in 2013, I answered truly, (not madly, of course), deeply and sincerely: "No, I will not have him back".

The question was: If he has changed, and mended his ways, and comes back to you, will you welcome him back? (That's a better question than "Do you still love him/her?" which I heard the prosecutor ask other annulment petitioners in court.)

And my answer was not out of contempt or resentment. It is the belief and knowledge that we are not a match, and very much incompatible. We are really not for each other.

I guess you can say our combination is null and void.

SHAKE IT OFF

Life for me, the ex, and our daughter has been ~normalized for quite some time now, with the court decree just a final and legal stamp.

I can say the Star has grown up to be a well-adjusted teenager. She has the usual angst and moods of the sulky teenager but I don't think she has any real hangups against her dad, or her stepmother and stepsister. Or maybe she has, but she's mature enough to let them go. I'm just so lucky and thankful to have such a good kid.

I believe the ex is also doing good for himself. But, I just have to say, he can still be a jerk (he knows he is :P), and unlike before when it would just consume me and get me riled up, I would just *shrug* then say "Meh" then go on with my day.

LOLJK. Sometimes I vent first to my friends, then I'll be okay, then I respond in a mature and responsible manner. Or sometimes I just don't respond at all :P

(Although there really has been less need to communicate with him -- we basically coordinate the weekend schedule of the Star, well, with the Star. Sometimes, she calls the shots too, and says where she wants to spend the weekend.)

As for me, well... watch out for future blog posts ;)

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Yes, Taylor Swift songs. Why the hell not? :)